Impact.

What if one day you comeback and said it wasn't over? Its funny how things end in the most peaceful way. Nothing was said but you feel this void in your heart. We both want the best for ourselves.
It's time I remake my own life. Deep down, Q, you will forever be the one who manage to bring down my walls and make me genuinely happy. I know how much you don't want things to change but this is not me. I don't want to stick around on something I'm unsure of, especially on a apodictic position. 

Like we both say, "Right person, wrong time."

You'll be fine, Q. You'll be fine.

Lola.

Dreams.

These things god does, sending me blessings in a form of a man have to stop.

Smile.

Yes, I'm blogging with such lethargic soul accompanied by these dreadful amount of weight right below these sighting instrument.

Nonetheless..

I guess we are all used to chasing each other when we were young. We were all once small kids, throwing stones all over the glistening sea, watching birds picking up its prey while surrounded by laughters and notions of excitements.

I haven't really figured why but you seem to be giving me that contentment I've been wanting to feel- such that made the hairs on my back stands up and my heart races way beyond its usual pace. Perhaps it is only because I've been yearning for such attention but then again, maybe I was trying to relinquish something I lost. Or maybe it is what it is, the most simplified & sincere the word "bliss" could offer.

Like as though I never had these feelings before, it reached out to me as something so valuable. Haven't my heart know how these things are going to end? Haven't my mind learn the art of what happens when a burning candle ran out of wax? I am still sitting here, with these heavy feelings, trying to recuperate and instead of being alone, you held my hand.

Even though i haven't open up to you and tell you all you need to know, you simply got me on my toes, doing pirouettes, turn after turn & trust me, if I am a gymnast, I would do countless of backflips to give you a sedation of factual evidence, of what you created within this aching soul.

This was as honest as I could get.

Be true. Be YOU.

The idea of being who you are & who you desire to be can be quite challenging especially when you have no interest in being yourself at all. So, if you try to replicate a being of you to be slightly different, you might drift away, resulting in vast changes. That would be ideal if you do need a structured help in your life. Otherwise, be true to yourself. It’s the only favor you can ever be contented with in the end.

By the grace of god

Was full of secrets locked and tied like iron melting

Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough

found out I wasn't so tough

Laying on the bathroom floor

We were living on a fault line

and I felt the fault was all mine

Couldn't take it anymore

By the grace of God

There was no other way

I picked myself back up

Now, every morning, hope there is no more mourning

Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough, possible to be loved

It was not about me

Now I have to rise above

Let the universe call the bluff

Yeah, the truth will set you free 

Thankful

There is a season where it jets you away on a joyous ride like sitting on a swing, smiling blithely while keeping both your feet up high, just so you could defy gravity and feel good about it..

LOL(A)

No words can describe how stupid i feel when you read my messages. I feel so fucking bimbotic you have no idea. I have been leaving you whatsapp msgs for the past 4-5 months knowing that you've block me, i had no worries on it getting through you cause most of the time i just wanted to let it out. How can i be so stupid to do it again when i know i had re-install my whatsapp and so you did not have me on your block list.. HOLY FUCK. When you replied me, I had no words to say to you. NOTHING. All the thoughts I've been sending you for those month actually became nothing at the spur of the moment. I don't know if i should laugh or cry but I guess that was god's way of telling me that it's done. I just miss the memories for the honest fact is, I am no longer in love with you. I don't hate you, it's just that I have no feelings for you. None.

Its like suicide.

Our past is my weakness and it was a secret.

Lola.

NEW YORK FASHION WEEK -DKNY

EVENT: NYFW FALL 2013/2014
DATE: 8 SEPTEMBER 2013, SUNDAY
VENUE: NEW YORK STREET
DESIGNER: DONNA KARRAN

#nowplaying- Mirrors; Justin Timberlake

"You"ll get over it."

She said.

Done

I'm so tired. I've never felt so emotionally and physically drained. I'm just so tired. If you could just lay here with me & help me forget the world.

Cold as ice & strong as the storm

Infont of my macbook, dressed in my grey tanktop and denim shorts with my hair up in a bun, lashes coated with just mascara, typing this entry over Java chip at starbucks. I think i look wierd today because I have been sensing pairs of eyes looking at me in a distance from where I am sitting. Perhaps because I am too casual for a mall which is stupid (in my self-justification part) because don't they at least think about the possible fact that i live across the street or that I am born a plain jane.

Ok maybe I am just being paranoid.

It is saturday and I am making use of this time to relax my nous and reading whilst surrounded between all these existence,  hustle and bustle around me. I have no idea why but i love it. I feel like I'm immense in my own zone. I could choose to stress over stock markets but its okay,  I'm good.

Happy people everywhere.

I wonder how thier day starts. They probably planned to shop here a week ago and finally manage to savour their long await weekends or maybe they decided that it would be relishing to look happy and glam up just to run some errands.  I have a couple on my left side who prolly banged each other last night because they look so euphoric and chirpy while sharing their cheesecake. Good for you.

Infront of me are two beautiful girls highly likely preparing for A levels as i saw their GP notes scattered all over the table- Not that I am such a quidnunc to be looking at their shit but I really hate messy things. It instantaneously catches my attention.

You know the scene from pursuit of happ(y)ness where Will Smith observe how others are all smiling jubilantly when he's having such a hard time trying to make ends meet.. I think I'm in that moment. Not that I'm trying to make ends meet but....

My happiness however is lock up in a bunk, away from me.

My life is an intricate work of art

It's really hard to grasp on the fact that I have anxiety. Sometimes it gets so vexing that I could feel the strong palpitations every 20 minutes. Biting my tounge whenever I feel it acting up.

Just wrap me around artificial happiness.

Blissful twist of fate.

The grind speech: Motivations for the unmotivated

6am and your hand can't make it to the alarm clock before the voices in your head start telling you that it's too early, too dark, and too cold to get out of a bed. Aching muscles lie still in rebellion, pretending not to hear your brain commanding them to move. A legion of voices are shouting their unanimous permission for you to hit the snooze button and go back to dreamland, but you didn't ask their opinion. The voice you've chosen to listen to is one of defiance. A voice that's says there was a reason you set that alarm in the first place. So sit up, put your feet on the floor, and don't look back because we've got work to do. Welcome to The Grind!
For what is each day but a series of conflicts between the right way and the easy way, 10,000 streams fan out like a river delta before you, Each one promising the path of least resistance. Thing is, you're headed upstream
And when you make that choice, when you decide to turn your back on what's comfortable and what's safe and what some would call "common sense", well that's day 1. From there it only gets tougher.
So just make sure this is something you want. Because the easy way out will always be there, ready to wash you away, all you have to do is pick up your feet. But you aren't going to are you? With each step comes the decision to take another. You're on your way now. But this is no time to dwell on how far you've come.
You're in a fight against an opponent you can't see. Oh but you can feel him on your heels can't you? Feel him breathing down your neck You know what that is? That's you...
Your fears, your doubts and insecurities all lined up like a firing squad ready to shoot you out of the sky
but don't lose heart. While they aren't easily defeated, they are far from invincible
Remember this is The Grind 
The Battle Royale between you and your mind, your body and the devil on your shoulder who's telling you that this is just a game, this is just a waste of time, your opponents are stronger than you.
Drown out the voice of uncertainty with the sound of your own heartbeat
Burn away your self doubt with the fire that's beneath you
Remember what you're fighting for
And never forget that momentum is a cruel mistress
She can turn on a dime with the smallest mistake.
She is ever searching for that weak place in your armor
That one tiny thing you forgot to prepare for
So as long as the devil is hiding the details, the question remains,"is that all you got?", "are you sure?"
And when the answer is "yes". That you've done all you can to prepare yourself for battle THEN it's time to go forth and boldly face your enemy, the enemy within
Only now you must take that fight into the open, into hostile territory
You're a lion in a field of lions
All hunting the same elusive prey with a desperate starvation that says VICTORY is the only thing that can keep you alive. So believe that voice that says "you CAN run a little faster" and that "you CAN throw a little harder" and that "you CAN dive a little deeper" and that, for you, the laws of physics are merely a suggestion.
Luck is the last dying wish of those who wanna believe that winning can happen by accident, sweat on the other hand is for those who know it's a choice, so decide now because destiny waits for no man. And when your time comes and a thousand different voices are trying to tell you you're not ready for it, listen instead for that lone voice in decent the one that says you are ready, you are prepared, it's all up to you now, 

So rise and shine.

Hope is a four letter word.

R.I.P Cory Monteith (Finn Hudson)

Changes

After a relatively long time, i finally broke down yesterday. It feels as if I haven't cried for so long. I curled up on the sheets as tears touches my pillow one by one and i realized all this while I have been shutting down my feelings so i don't crumble and find myself in a depressing state.

Well, I eventually did.

Nana told me it is definitely okay to cry. I went through all the pictures I kept and I reminisce the memories behind those photographs.

"Some things are not meant to be." My heart whispered.

Finally my heart agreed with my mind. I am happy it happened and if you're reading this, N, thank you for the most amazing journey.

 I am hereby, making some amendment in my life. 

This is going to be my journey of eat.pray.love.


xoxoqueensiti

Sometimes...

I miss you.

First Date Fashion Set:

It's like you've met him. It just fits. Haven't gone too far, haven't got too close either. Maybe you're wondering if this is ever gonna work out the way you planned. He is going to screw things up big time because that is something inevitable but if who you're seeing now have impacted a soulful shot of happiness, present yourself this.

You have to believe there are kisses, laugh and risk worth taking.

Lana Del Rey - Born To Die

When I think about you, I think of all the good things that comes with it. Maybe being in a hot air balloon up in the skies of messisipi or maybe just the absurdity of fairytales- like going to a ball but prolly getting wasted after the clock strikes 12 and just kissing the shit out of your lips. So if you think of me, what would it be like?

Magic. You came as though you were sent right on time, to get me out of a confined mind, to seek serenity off these admonishing feelings. Maybe this is temporary, maybe this is it.

You see, when others were all attacking me with questions I couldn't comprehend, I came to you having to seek refuge, and all you did was to convince me that it is all okay and we will get through this together.

As though these misconceptions weren't thrown hard enough at me, I kept my guards up. I don't care what tomorrow may bring. For now I feel like its us, against the universe.

xoxoqueensiti

Life.

To be honest, this is the part of my life that i would always keep inside me, I don’t like telling sad tales of my life and that is why people always thought I have a perfect state of living with no qualms about reality but fact is, all of my depressing moments are bottled up within my soul like a group of lions in an enclosure. I never thought I was this strong to still hold up my head every single time sorrow strikes like lightning bolts across my chest. Where did I get so much strength to still have a composure of a strong women? That, I can never fathom. 

-xoxoqueensiti

Beyonce Model for Summer Collection H&M

Heels!

So someone asked me this today

" Why do women always feel the strong magnetism force towards a pair of heels?"

It is not just the way it sits picturesquely on the shelves, it is not just the way it fits. It is the way it hugs your skin, making you 5, 6, or even 7 inch taller. It gives you the feeling of satisfaction while strutting down sea of crowds. It's is more of a luxury necessity in life. -xoxoqueensiti

London Fashion Week 2013 (Spring Summer 2013)