It’s the start of a new fall, dried leaves covered the porch, signaling the need to snuggle in between thick comforters while watching some chick flick accompanied by a cup of warm hot chocolate but here I am curled up on a mattress that carry your fragrance. 

 I have been very contented with what I have but sometimes your absence gets magnified and as much as I've moved on whilst creating another chapter, I can't deny I miss you so much. I can't differentiate if what I'm missing is your presence or the memories we created. 

Right from the beginning, you gave me the best part of yourself. Even though we were temporary, it was real. On the surface, everyone was dying to have what we had effortlessly. You were the brightest, the most charming and those things that you do to keep me on your side, constantly trying to impress me with all that you are to the point where everything about you was flawless. 

You were so perfect & we were infinite. 

Like seasons, we hit some turbulence, went through bumpy roads, got ourselves hurt by words that I swear almost killed me. We were so loving but yet when we fought, we fought so hard. It was perplexing because sometimes fights brought us closer and sometimes, we turned against each other. 

I know I was hard headed, and I was so flawed in so many ways. I loved you. I loved you so much that it was hurting every bone in my body just to hear your unpleasant thoughts about me. Some of which were emotionally abusive. 

Then I hated you. I hated you so much. You broke me, all that I was, all that I wanted us to be. We fought a long tough battle only because I wanted to keep you. I wanted so much for you to stay just so I could make us fall in love again. 

But who am I kidding? 

When I let you go, I knew I have to face the fact that you will be in love with someone better & eventually forget about me. I was depressed. I hardly ate anything, I spend my time bawling over so many things which reminded me of you. I knew I had to get back up but how could I when you were my only strength. I put on a facade every fucking day. I concealed my feelings so deep that people started asking me why am I not affected by our break up when the fact was there, it was behind my disguise. I was so good at it, N. I swear I was. 

I eventually started running. Whenever I feel like I'm thinking about you too much, I put on my running shoes and go for a run. I started talking to guys just so I could channel my thoughts and feelings off those destructive days of my life. One thing for sure is, no matter how much I want to be with you now (vice versa) we can never be together. I wish I played the cards right, but I did not & we failed. Actually, I failed. I feel like this is the only thing I did not accomplish. 

All I can afford to do now is to pray you'll find purity in your heart to diminish every single hurt I've caused you. Constantly praying for your well-being still though we will never be together ever again.